She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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