I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
