It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
