did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I smell stomach acid.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
