please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
