I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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