She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
