Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
