you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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