I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
