The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
