I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
