i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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