i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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