So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
