If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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