New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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