white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
