Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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