I wish I could teleport
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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