I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
