apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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