bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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