I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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