It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
