I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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