I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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