youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
