Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
