I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
