Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
