thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
