census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
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i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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