This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
MIDGETS
????
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
