My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
