Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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