you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
