The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
BRING THE BAGELS
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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