I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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