How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
