I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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