K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Vodka?
Forever.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
