every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
thus making me awesome and them whores
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
