Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
