My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
