Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
