you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
