if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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