I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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