i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
