just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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