Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
