What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
