do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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