How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
