Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
