I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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