I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
