apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
