sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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