Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
