I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
