As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
