I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
