you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
